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Monday, 26 January 2009

Currently
Fighting for You
By Detour One Eighty
You know my name
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who deserves what?

So a friend of mine told me recently that the reason he never took a chance on me was because I deserve better than him. I don't know why but that statement bothered me for some reason. I never thought about what I deserve and who is to say what someone deserves. How does he know that he isn't exactly what I deserve: a good guy, with a stable life. He knows what he wants to do with his life, has the means of getting there and has all the prerequisites of a boyfriend at least superficially...a car and a job. He isn't a deadbeat who mooches off of his friends and family. I actually used to have a MAJOR crush on him which is another reason it bothered me because he has every quality I look for in a guy but that is besides the point. I despise that statement. It doesn't make me feel any better kind of like "We can always be friends." or "Don't worry, you'll find the right guy someday." It is a cliche and I don't like cliches...now if he had come up with something original which I know he is because he is a writer and has a degree in journalism than would it have bothered me? No...so I have 3 questions.

1. What the HELL does that mean 'you deserve someone better than me'? along with that: Is that like the whole friend speech nowadays rolled into a sentence? or something?
2. How do you respond to something like that coming from your best guy friend and former crush?
3. What phrases do you yourself hate to hear from people about relationships?

Well it's off to bed I go...I have to get up at 7 for an 8:30 class...joy.

Sunday, 11 January 2009

Currently
Underworld (Widescreen Special Edition)
By Kate Beckinsale, Scott Speedman, Michael Sheen, Shane Brolly, Bill Nighy
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pressure not to date someone

So I found out something today about a former crush of mine. Well I kind of still have feelings for him but we are friends. One of my best friends and I were talking about what had happened at church today and about a group I used to go that THANK GOD I quit going to. It was starting to change who I was and my beliefs and shaping me into someone I wasn't. But I will get back to the point. She told me about why me and my old crush never dated. It was because this "Christian" group that we both had belonged to, I don't go but he still does just so that he can have some fellowship kind of thing, had taken it up themselves to pressure him into not dating me. I am not upset with him for letting them do this to him but I am pissed off at the group. I belonged to it at the time that this was happening and it was around the time I started to feel as if I belonged there. But for them to pressure him into not dating me for only God knows why is not right. What right do they or anybody have to tell people who they can and cannot date? After he gave the friend speech, which when he gave it to me I could tell it was hard for him to do, it got awkward between us and I thought it was because I still had feelings for him and he didn't. In realty I realized today that it was because he had been attracted to me and wanted to date me but was pressured into not doing anything and not going with how he felt. Here I was thinking about what a loser I am in that I can't even get a good Christian guy to have feelings for me, felt so unattractive and was really depressed and upset when in reality he was attracted to me. The first guy that I know of to ever have feelings for me and nothing came of it because he couldn't do anything about it. Things are still a little awkward between us and we didn't talk for a little while but we are getting back into talking and everything. I just wish I could have known what might have happened if we had gotten together.

Sunday, 04 January 2009

Currently
V-Day - Until the Violence Stops
By Tantoo Cardinal, Jane Fonda, Amy Hill, Isabella Rossellini, Rosie Perez
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fear of falling

So I have been doing a lot of thinking and since it's a new year I thought I would share this realization. I complain a lot about not being able to find the right guy and I know it annoys my friends...even though I try and put myself out there. It's not for lack of trying or anything..Sorry got off topic. I finally came clean with myself today. I am the one who is holding myself back from meeting guys. I am terrified of falling in love because every man that I have ever trusted has either a) left me or b) hurt me in someway whether that be physically or emotionally. Some examples:
My dad put me down all the time growing up and told me so many times that no man would ever want me because I am stupid, ugly and fat that I actually believed him. My best friend is the first and only man I ever fell hard for. He broke my heart...and our friendship has never been the same.

So I am afraid. I am terrified of falling in love. So much so that I am 23 and have never been on a date, been kissed or even been pursued. I push men away when they get too close because I am afraid of getting hurt. I never admitted it to myself until now. The thought had crossed my mind but I dismissed it every time. The problem? I don't know how to get over this fear. Any ideas or advice?
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Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Currently
If I Had One Chance to Tell You Something
By Rebecca St. James
God Help Me
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avoidance

So it seemed like things were going well. I had recently developed a crush on an old friend that I had reconnected with over the summer. We are both writers and he convinced me to start writing again. It used to be my therapy and I had had a major writer's block for over a year. He inspired and encouraged me. We talked about everything and I listened to him lament about his ex who had and broken his heart. I helped him through it all and it was as if we hadn't lost touch. We picked up our friendship better than we had left it. We had drifted during our senior year of high school after he got a girlfriend and I gave up on the 4 year crush I had had on him and concentrated more on my schoolwork and art. We went our separate ways after high school to different colleges and found our passions and became people we never thought we would become. I mentioned him in a blog on my myspace a couple weeks ago about how I was glad we had reconnected. He hasn't spoken to me since, granted since he hasn't had minutes on his cell phone we have been only talking via chat but I just get this feeling like he is avoiding me. I emailed him a new poem yesterday and he responded with an uncommon kind of cold response. I know he is probably dealing with stuff but he could at least say that. I would at least listen to what is going on and be there for him and be a good friend. I tend to over think as whoever reads this can tell but I don't know what to do. I don't want to not be there for him but I hate it when people avoid me for no reason.Any advice besides just letting it go?
Anyway back to trying to keep my mind off of stuff....Until next time!
~Sarah

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smcwsu628

- Name: Sarah
- Birthday: 6/28/1985
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 12/19/2008

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About Me

I am a college senior trying to finish school and stay sane while preparing for the next step. I am majoring in criminal justice and political science. I love to write, hang out with friends, listen to music and watch movies.